In which cake is conspicuously absent
by ChemicalSmile
Summary: Another day, another (couple of) cakes. But lo and behold! The cake is lie. How will Light handle a cake-deprived L? How does anyone? I don't own Deathnote. Everytime I type that it becomes more painful. Reviews are appreciated a lot.
1. Chapter 1

It had been a stressful morning.

Light's day had begun with the dulcet tones of a certain dysfunctional detective being whispered into his ear.

'Light...Light...'

Light had hoped to do what animals in the wild sometimes did to escape predators. He played dead.

'Light...'

L had gradually raised the volume until he was whining. He didn't shout though. Light sometimes wondered if he could.

Light decided to just give in. L would have his way. After all, Light was currently handcuffed to the man.

Opening his eyes, he'd been greeted by a mess of inky black fuzz, and two wide eyes.

'Light...it's time for cake...cake time.'

'Don't...hit...him...'

This was Light's new mantra which was repeated internally without fail every day. Light cared for L a lot, although he'd never tell L that. That didn't mean that he didn't want to strangle the fructose fiend every now and then. Or maybe more than that. Maybe all the time.

It was half-five in the morning. Light judged that L had probably been craving cake for about three hours now.

As soon as Light made to get out of bed, L stood up, his jeans and white long-sleeved t-shirt making a mockery of Light's dishevelled state. Light never thought he'd consider himself dishevelled in relation to L.

Sometime soon, he needed to take a long look at himself.

Sliding his feet into slippers, Light followed a visibly agitated L down to the kitchen.

As L made his way to the fridge, Light lent against a wall and watched the creature that he had inexplicably fallen head over heels for frantically search laden shelves. The fridge hummed in disapproval at it's interrupted job of preventing decay.

'Light...'

Light looked up. L sounded as though he was about to burst into tears.

'There's...no...cake...'

Coming from anyone else this would be just a minor glitch, if that, in the day.

This wasn't anyone else though. This was L. If you could inject cake, Light was sure he'd soon be confiscating hypodermics from the detective.

Where was Watari? L's associate normally had cakes on standby for L. Light had concluded that experience had taught Watari well.

He snapped out of his inner musings when he felt two thin hands grasp him by the shoulders.

L was shaking him.

'Where is the cake?!'


	2. Chapter 2

'L...L...stop shaking me!'

'But Light, you don't understand! There is NO CAKE. None!'

L seemed to be experiencing some kind of nervous breakdown. It was typical Light thought, that the worlds greatest detective, the enigma that could work non-stop throughout the night and think nothing of it, would go into shock as soon as there was no strawberry shortcake.

Light still didn't know if L could shout or not, but he didn't want to stay in the kitchen to find out. L kept looking from Light to the fridge, and every time he saw the fridge again he seemed to grow more desperate.

The fridge was the scene of the 'crime'.

Light decided to remove L from the crime scene, as he was clearly emotionally compromised. He pushed L back through the doorway, having to push quite hard as L kept straining to go back.

As he forcibly returned L to the bedroom, Light wondered what he could do. Simply crawling back into bed was so attractive a prospect, but he knew that with L flitting about the room like an addict suffering withdrawal (which he was), he would never find sweet sleepy succour.

It was times like these that Light truly did not know what to do with L. He could deal with grumpy L (administer sugar), paranoid L (deny being Kira, even though he was), he could even deal with that rare breed, sleepy L (slip drugs), but frenzied L was the worst.

Light didn't want to wake Watari, the man got little enough sleep as it was. He couldn't leave L climbing the walls though.

Light kept pushing back what he knew was inevitable.

He was going to have to make L a cake.


	3. Chapter 3

*Points to whoever gets the Eddie Izzard reference nestled in amongst this tidbit*

Light had never thought that the mandatory cooking lessons his mother had forced him to endure with Sayu throughout his childhood and well into his adolescence would ever be put to use.

'L!'

L goggled up at him from where he was perched on the carpet, biting at his thumb as though it were his last remaining lifeline.

'To the kitchen!'

The response from L was in stark contrast to his usual apathy. In that he struggled every bit of the way back to the kitchen.

Light could only presume that the kitchen was now a place of nightmares for L, his mind constantly returning to the sight of a desolate cake-free fridge.

As they re-entered the kitchen, L squirmed and fidgeted. Light prayed that his finite amount of patience did not dwindle too fast, lest L suddenly find his face in contact with a saucepan. Which may or may not be yielded by Light (probability 99%).

Light thanked his lucky stars that he remembered the recipe for Victoria sandwich cake. As long as he could keep L from completely collapsing into himself for an hour, he would be set.

Light bustled about the kitchen, feeling faintly ridiculous and matron-like. It was like he was L's mother.

Light felt a pang of guilt as he remembered that L had never known his mother.

Light set about assembling the ingredients, ignoring the way that L flinched as he opened the fridge door to retrieve the butter. When everything that was needed had been neatly organised and was ready at hand, Light preheated the oven.

He looked about.

Where was L?!

'How have I lost someone I am handcuffed to?' was all Light could think.

He followed the chain down to underneath the table, where L was rocking back and forth.

'L. What are you doing?'

'Cake dance. If I dance the cake will come.'

Light grimaced. L was collapsing like a flan in a cupboard. He needed to do something to distract the deranged detective.

Light felt as though he were going to cry with frustration as he spoke the next words.

'Come on L. Help me make the cake.'


	4. Chapter 4

Light dragged L up from under the table and firmly manoeuvred him into a chair.

'L-we need to weigh out the ingredients. Here are the weighing scales. Here are the ingredients. I am in possession of the knowledge that you have an extremely high IQ. I therefore trust that you can take it from here.'

It was just what L needed to hear to snap him out of his dazed state. L hated to lose. To the point where even weighing ingredients would become a test of his mettle.

'How much of each ingredient?'

'225g of flour, 225g of sugar, 225g butter, and whilst you get on with that, I'll crack the eggs.'

Light faced L across the oft-neglected table (mostly the task force ate at their desks) and began cracking eggs, being careful not to let any flecks of shell escape his gaze. L wouldn't be happy if the cake was in any way imperfect.

Light was past wondering why he cared so much at this point. He knew his feelings, and he also knew that under no circumstances could L be made aware of his feelings.

He discreetly observed L over his neon plastic bowl full of eggs. L was meticulously weighing out ingredients, leaning down in his chair every now and then to check that he had gotten it exactly right, that there were no parallax errors to be found in his weighing technique.

He's so cu-stop!

I need help, thought Light. I desperately need some sort of help. I've fallen for my foe. Surely that says something about me?

L was placing the first of his carefully weighed ingredients into a bowl, one effeminate hand tipping the weighing bowl of flour into another bowl, the other hand attached to the much abused thumb that L kept gnawing.

When L had weighed all of the ingredients and deemed them all accurate after double checking (here Light had wanted to tear his hair out), Light had declared it time to begin putting the cake together. He had been rewarded by a dumbfounded expression on L's face.

Light creased at the irony of the situation. The worlds most avid lover of cakes did not know how to make cakes.

Even though Light had realised this he thought he'd have his fun with L. Why not?

Light gestured towards the waiting ingredients.

'Go on L.'

L seemed to be experiencing a painful internal conflict of interests. Light knew L wanted cake (oh boy did he want cake), but he also didn't want to admit to Light that he didn't know something Light did.

Light watched with great mirth as L dilly-dallied around the table, trying to delay the inevitable.

He picked up the bowl of flour.

He put down the bowl of flour.

He observed the semi-solid butter in its dish.

He disregarded the butter.

When L's eyes fell on the sugar Light knew that the little show he had thus far been enjoying had to come to a close. L was in close proximity to sugar, always a red alert to Light, he knew that if he allowed this to continue soon there would promptly be no sugar.

'L-do you know how to make cake?'

L's face was twisted into so torturous an expression that Light almost caved. Almost.

'Cakes are made...cakes...'

He was losing him to cake-filled fantasy world, Light could tell by the way L's eyes were glazing over. He snapped his fingers in his face.

'L-do you know?'

'No', came the sulky, petulant reply.

'Well now, we can't have that can we?'


	5. Chapter 5

A/N Thanks for the reviews guys, it makes it all worth it :)

'First we-L are you even listening?'

If Light had to use a word to describe L's current state of being at the moment, it would be 'sullen'.

Maybe Light was enjoying himself a little_ too much_, but he just couldn't help himself.

'Come on now L, there's no point in me teaching you to cook if you aren't even watching.'

L was staring straight ahead at a kitchen tile. That tile must have done some bad things in the past to deserve the fiery glare it was receiving.

Light gently turned L's head so that he was facing Light.

'Watch L.'

Light had so far managed to sieve the flour, (a process which L had proclaimed as 'pointless'), and was currently creaming the butter and the sugar. Light had forgotten how tiring it was stirring the two ingredients into a smooth consistency, and so, under the pretence of 'educating' L, he encouraged him to take part.

'All you do' (he held up the spoon) 'is mix them together until its smooth.'

L stared at the wooden spoon as though it were an implement of torture. Light pushed it into a reluctant hand.

'Stand up, and cream this!'

L stood up as though he were made of wood, venturing over the bowl with a wary look on his face.

He lowered the spoon into the mixture, giving Light a questioning look over his shoulder.

'Yes, not gone wrong so far.'

He began stirring, slowly.

Another peek over his shoulder.

'?'

Light just nodded, in case he let out the scream of frustration he was sure was building up inside him.

When L seemed to be getting the hang of it, Light decided it was safe for him to sit down. He started to daydream about L making him cakes. He could wear an apron...

Light drifted into a pink nylon world. He unwillingly exited when he started hearing banging noises.

'L! Stop!'

L was _attacking_ the mixture, which was now creamed to perfection, but also being beaten to a pulp. He seemed to be enjoying himself immensely.

'Light-kun told me to cream'

Light winced. Why did L say these things?

'Yes I know but it looks thoroughly...creamed now, wouldn't you say?'

'I am not so sure Light-kun. I think I should taste it to check it's mouth-feel.'

Warning bells rang out loud and clear in Light's head. It was a mixture that was half sugar, half fat. It was L heaven.

'No, L, no tast-'

L had already firmly stuck his finger deep into the mixture. It came away coated in sugary goodness.

Using the cautious voice that is used for the very young and the very unstable, Light inched forward.

'L-_don't_ eat that.'

L smirked at him.

'Don't eat that!'

L was slowly lifting his finger to his mouth, his eyes wide and innocent, the little...

Closer...closer...

L was now tracing his lips with the buttery finger. This was culinary and emotional torture for Light. This was cruel and unusual punishment.

L sucked on his finger with relish.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N Thank you so much for the reviews guys! The people asking for more (you know who you are ;) ) you make me very happy :)

Light watched in horror as L did things to his finger that should be illegal.

L's eyes were closed and his face was arranged into a vision of ecstasy, the sugar hit he was badly needing flooding his mouth. Light knew that the bowl and L were two objects which should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be allowed to be near one another anymore.

'L, move away from the bowl.'

'No.'

L was even now cleaning his finger with a cat-like pink tongue, and wiggling it around, getting it ready for another expedition into the gooey mess.

'I am not as of yet entirely satisfied with the _mouth-feel_ of this concoction Light-kun.'

'It looks fine. You did a great job L.'

'Light-kun is asking me to knowingly ruin the cake. I must stop Light-kun by disposing of this sullied mixture.'

Light was already close to L, having moved forward in a vain attempt to intimidate the infuriating man-child.

He hadn't wanted it to come to this. He made sure he had L's gaze pinioned under his before uttering the dreaded words;

'After much consideration, Light-kun has decided that he will be forced to' (here Light shook his head as though under immense emotional strain) 'tickle L.'

It had the desired effect. Light saw L's eyes widen even as the man took a stab at nonchalance.

Nonchalance was having none of it.

'Light-kun would not do this.'

'Oh L', thought Light.

'I'd believe you weren't scared if it weren't for the fact that you're voice has gone up by I'd say...approximately three quarters of an octave.'

'Light-kun is exaggerating!'

'Ooh, definitely a whole octave now.'

L had backed himself all the way against the table, assuming a protective stance in front of his beloved bowl. Light started flexing his fingers.

'Light-kun is doing his finger exercises now. This way L will get the maximum tickle effects.'

Light heard what he was saying and promised himself he'd ring a life-coach after this.

'Light-kun...look! It is...Misa-Misa! She is coming to hug you!'

'L, I think we both know that we would have heard Misa-Misa if she were here. Nice try, though.'

L had completely given up on trying to maintain his cool now (L's own brand of cool anyway). He was retracting in on himself, his eyes huge and staring. Light began to reach out to L.

'Light-kun's fingers are beginning their voyage.'

When his fingers were halfway between him and L's navel, Light stopped for a moment.

'Light-kun's fingers offer L redemption. If he steps away from the bowl.'

L was like a lioness protecting it's cubs. A scared, cute lioness that was protecting its cubs more out of stubbornness than bravery.

'L has given Light-kun no choice.'

'Let tickling commence!'


	7. Chapter 7

A/N Thankyou guys, for the reviews :) You are all so nice :) Read on beautiful people 3

Light's dexterous digits proceeded to torture L. Light had to admit that tickling L ranked amongst his top ten favourite things to do. The detective was normally so on edge, forever pursuing lines of inquiry, either at his computer or in his head, that it was nice to view his transformation into a helpless puppet.

'Ligh...htt...tttt-...kuuu...nnn! Geee...eet offff meeee!'

Ah, the tickling voice. Light had forgotten that L could reach that particular high note. He should have been a choir boy.

Light pictured L standing (crouching) in a crowd of angelic, beatific prepubescents.

He was glad L had not been a choirboy.

Tickling L was like tickling a cheese grater. The man seemed to be fully formed of sharp corners, damn it!, thought Light, as his fingers snagged once more on the acuminous end-points of L's ribs.

His plan seemed to be working beautifully. L was sinking down towards the kitchen floor. As long as he was moving in a direction that was away from the bowl, Light was happy.

'Eevvvi-'

'What was that L?'

'Evvvilll...Light-kuuun isss eeevi-'

'I am eevi L? Is that what you're saying. It is isn't it?'

Light pretended to mull over the point, scratching his chin with one hand whilst the other kept L incapacitated.

'I have often considered myself eevi L. You are the first soul to have noticed this quality in me.'

Oh. L hadn't liked that. He was now pulling an extremely creepy face at Light in that he was laughing and simultaneously attempting to make Light spontaneously combust using the power of just his eyes.

The result was that L looked really, really angry-but boy was he happy about it.

Light knew he'd be seeing that face in his nightmares.

Light wondered how long it would be before L starting pulling out his favourite allies-the per cents.

'Fiii!'

Ah. There we go. Light was pretty sure L had been going for a terrorising five per cent, but when his pitch was currently hovering around contralto, it failed to make Light quake in his boots.

He was nearly down to the floor. His writhing around had made him breathless, and Light knew he just had to get him down to the floor, somehow keep him there-step on him or something, he didn't weigh much, then take control of the bowl. In some way.

That part could wait.

'L-where is the bowl?'

L had been seemingly oblivious to his transition from standing to sitting, and when he realised his one and only was now out of reach he went into a madcap scramble for purchase over Light.

Light, who had been becoming complacent, wasn't prepared for this, and so was surprised when he found himself _underneath_ L, who by now looked a _little_, if not a lot, psychotic.

L crouched on his chest and stared down at him, as though contemplating what to do.

Thumb was in mouth. **Serious** thinking time for L.

Light knew that L weighed a lot less than him, and that he could probably push L off him rather easily, but he was a little entertained and wanted to deceive L into thinking he had the upper hand.

L reached up for the bowl.

'Light-kun has behaved badly. L has been trying to make sure the cake is not ruined' (here Light sputtered) 'and Light-kun has thus far been preventing efficient work. I will now put this right.'

L looked straight into Light's eyes as he dipped his finger into the bowl.

'For someone so childlike, L sure has an evil streak', thought Light.

Ok. So finger was going in mouth. Not good.

'Light-kun looks sad. Does he want to check the mouth-feel of the mixture?'

L was holding out a buttery finger.

'If I bite it...gently...he might let go of the bowl' was Light's mental master plan.

Light craned his neck to get at the sugary substance and nearly screamed when L suddenly retracted his finger.

'Light-kun cannot try the mixture. His mouth is not sensitive enough. Only L's is.'

Alright, that was enough.

Light pushed himself up, upending the bowl on L's head in the process.

As he faced the seething, butter covered L, Light speculated that his next few hours would perhaps be his last.


	8. Chapter 8

Looking down upon L, Light held his hands up in supplication. He edged forward nervously.

'L-what it's important to remember right now is that I didn't mean for that to happen. You also need to remember that you maybe aren't in your right state of mind because of sug-'

'Light-kun attacked me! He attacked me with my own creation!'

Light gawped at L. He was on a roll.

'Light-kun was jealous of the superior _mouth-feel_ of my creation. Jealous! Jealous!'

'L, cal-'

'And so destroyed it!'

L stood up, covered in butter, and it took an immense force of will on Light's part not to laugh.

L pointed an accusatory finger at him.

'This is exactly the sort of thing Kira would do!'

Oh god...he was never going to hear the end of this.

L's hair hadn't helped matters. It was chaotic on a good day but now it was just...inexplicable.

'L, we need to wash your hair.'

'And why do we need to do that Light-kun?!'

'Could it be because _Kira _doled out righteous justice, righteous justice on my cake?!'

Light winced. Sarcasm from L was never a good sign.

'L, just...'

Think fast, Light.

'Do it L, or I'll tickle you again.'

It had been a low blow, but it had worked. L ran up the stairs quick as a flash.

'Bugger' thought Light, remembering that the bathroom door had a lock. L hated washing, he was just going to hide in the bathroom.

He raced after him faster than he had ever ran in any high school events, managing to dive for his ankle as he was trying to close the door.

'Let me in L. We are washing your hair.'

'I can wash my hair.'

'L, I think none of us want a repeat of...you know...'

L looked down. Last week L's unkemptness had reached levels that could be classified as health and safety risks to himself and others, and Watari had been forced to intervene. Needless to say L had not appreciated this, and Watari had not appreciated the rubber duck he received to the face.

Light hadn't seen L and Watari fall out before, but it certainly made for interesting viewing. L, who put him in mind of a child anyway, had reverted further into infant-hood, hunching in even smaller, and mumbling to an enraged Watari that he was sorry.

Since then L had been quite compliant about his washing habits.

Light looked up and saw L gazing unnervingly down at him, not blinking. He felt something wet hit his back.

What the-

'L, you are dripping butter on me! We are washing your hair now!'

L shuffled into the bathroom, knowing when he was beaten, and Light, attached to his ankle, crawled snakelike on his belly after him.

'This is...I'm Japan's number one student...L...look what you've done to me!'

All Light received in return was a triumphant look from L. He was a sadistic little-

'L, what are you doing?'

L was holding a rubber duck.

It was crime-watch in the bathroom again. Light groped about on the floor for a weapon, and came up with...

A toy boat.

He brandished the boat.

L posed capoeira style with his duck.

Boat vs Duck.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N Once again guys, thank you for the reviews, you people are lovely :)

There should really be some stage lighting in here, thought Light, as he faced off against L. Although L was currently in attack mode somehow this just made him seem even more...

It was the duck. It had to be the duck. No-one could possibly not look...cute...whilst brandishing a rubber duck. A rubber duck wearing a sailors hat.

Although, Light lamented, his weapon of choice was no machete either. He sneaked another look at his chosen implement and noticed for the first time that there was a jolly little sailor man nestled into the boat. He looked pleased as punch.

'Its like carrying a gun whilst wearing a cardigan' thought Light.

Yeah the gun was pretty threatening. But you're all wrapped up in pink fluff. Light then realised that they had been standing there for fully three minutes.

Boat vs Duck would never make for good televisual content.

'L.'

'Light-kun.'

'...'

'L.'

'Light...'

Here L paused and licked his upper lip.

'...kun...'

A shampoo bottle. Light saw he had a friend in the bathroom.

'L. Come on. It's your favourite shampoo. It smells of..' (Light opened the bottle and inhaled deeply) 'strawberries.'

It was when L next spoke that Light realised fully how deprived of sugar the detective was at this point.

'Jim does not like _strawberries_...' he hissed.

'Who is Jim?'

Oh god. The duck.

He couldn't believe he was doing this.

'No, but...Bob does.'

'Who is Bob?'

Cringing, Light held out the little beaming sailor.

'Bob wants Jim to smell nice like strawberries.'

L seemed to be considering.

All of his psychology classes had taught Light that you shouldn't indulge in the strange ideas of the mentally ill, but L was on a whole other plane of being. He was brilliant, but Light could honestly say that he had never met a more disturbed individual. And Light was dating Misa-Misa.

L was holding 'Jim' up to his ear. He placed 'Jim' carefully on the rim of the bathtub.

'Jim concedes.'

This last part was spoken with the lofty air of an English butler telling a guest that master is quite ready to partake in brandy with sir now.

'Jim will be scared on his own.'

He should be getting paid. He would speak to L's official keeper about that.

'I shall be with him.'

Right. Finally.

Light put Bob in the bath and gestured for L to do the same with Jim. Light decided against taking L's clothes off. L's slender frame was an object of lust for Light when it was wrapped in baggy fabrics. He had no idea what he was capable of if he saw what lay beneath.

'Now L. Put your head over the bath to talk to Jim.'

If L hasn't been so-there was no other word for it-crazy right now, then there was no way this would have worked. Light braced himself. He silently straddled L from behind, the man's narrow frame easily fitting between Light's hips. L was too engrossed talking to Jim about god-knows-what to notice.

Shampoo in one hand, shower head in the other, Light suddenly appreciated that Watari was a superhuman for managing to not kill L.

He aimed the shower head at a buttery mess of black tangles.

Ready...aim...fire!


	10. Chapter 10

Never again.

Light would never do that again.

He shoved a towel-clad, grumpy L into the kitchen. L immediately turned around to give him the filthiest look he had ever earned.

'Light-kun tricked me.'

'L-let's just forget that...that happened.'

Light turned towards the cooker, to preheat it, when he felt something hard and wet press against his back.

Could this be..? Finally?

L leant in close to his ear and started a hissed dialogue.

'Light-kun tricked L. For this Light-kun must receive revenge.'

Light started to think that maybe the fifteen minutes of hell he had endured with L in the bathroom might have been worth it after all.

'Jim! Attack!'

With that L began hitting Light repeatedly in the back with Jim's beak.

How sad, reflected Light. My closest romantic encounter with L to date has been this-him hitting me with a rubber duck.

'L! Knock it off!'

'It is not me! It is Jim!'

'L-it's clearly you!'

'It's Jim!'

Light whirled on L, grabbing Jim in the process.

'Well then, Jim is going in time-out.'

He plonked Jim in the sink.

'Jim does not like for-'

Light gave L a look that could wither metal, and even in his current irrational state L seemed to sense that now was the time to be quiet.

'Weight out the ingredients again. Cream the butter and sugar.'

L was starting to smile, a mischievous little smirk that belied what he was planning.

'If you even think of eating it-I don't care if you want to check its mouth-feel-then I shall tell Watari what you did up there.'

L immediately began weighing the ingredients. Once the painstaking process that was L weighing objects had been completed, he creamed the butter and sugar, glancing up at Light all the while as if to say 'See? I'm not doing anything bad.'

Light never wanted children. He had an L.

No, he couldn't think like that. He didn't have an L.

Not yet...

Shhh! Light told himself to stop going down this particular rabbit hole and instead focus on getting the damn cake made. It felt already like this had been the longest day of his life, and it was not yet seven.

Light took the bowl from L and beat in the eggs, making sure L was watching him. If this ever happened again, he could make his own cake. Light felt like some kind of farcical blue peter presenter as he went through the process with L.

'Now we keep beating the eggs in, to incorporate as much air as possible.'

'Why?'

'So the cake will be light and fluffy.'

'Why?'

'Becau-well a cake wouldn't be very nice if it was all flat would it?'

'Why?'

'Pass me the flour!'

L handed Light the flour, his enormous eyes unblinking.

'L, you do this part. Mix the flour in.'

'Is Light-kun sure he will not become jealous of the mouth-feel?'

'…'

L took the spoon and gently folded the flour into the mixture. He seemed a lot calmer when he was actually helping to make the cake. He would make the cutest little baker. One of those white hats would look adorable...

'Light?'

'Yes?'

'You are patting my head.'

Ah. So he was.

Retract the hand Light. Retract. The. Hand.

'I was checking there was no butter.'

'But I am wearing a towel-turban.'

Before he could become too fixated with the fact that L had uttered the words 'towel-turban', Light mumbled his excuses.

'Didn't want...buttery...towels.'

Light knew he completely deserved the look of incredulity L was currently beaming at him.

'Right! Well, I think the cake is ready to go in the oven!'

'But it is all wrong.'

'How?'

'It's not strawberry-smelling.'

L is in his twenties, thought Light. Yet he still eats like a child.

'Ok then L, add in some strawberry extract.'

He knew exactly where that was, noticed Light. Light suddenly had recollections of times he had asked L if he was wearing lipstick and L hastily denying it whilst covering his mouth.

L was eagerly unscrewing the strawberry extract cap, and placing it over the cake.

'Not too mu-'

Ok, the whole bottle. He had put in the whole bottle.

At this point Light didn't care. He wanted that cake in the oven. Cake in oven. From oven to L. Once L was done, he could get some sleep.

L sat on a chair sulking while Light slid the cake in the oven. He had denied L this particular job due to an incident with the grill a few days ago. Candy-floss sure could burn.

'Forty minutes L.'


	11. Chapter 11

A/N Thank you for the reviews guys :) you're the best 3

'Is it done?'

'No.'

'..Is it done?'

'No.'

Light was sitting at the kitchen table trying desperately not to fall asleep. If he did he knew he'd wake up to a batter covered L. To try and placate L he had brought in the spinny chair. L loved that chair. God knew L loved that chair. Watari had nearly confiscated it from him.

L span around in the chair three times clockwise and then three times anti-clockwise.

His last rotation brought him around to face Light.

'Is it done?'

Five minutes. It had been five minutes. He had told L it would be forty minutes. Five had elapsed. Somehow L seemed to think that a strange kind of magic meant that the cake would be ready any moment now.

The questions had started a minute after the cake went into the oven.

Light rubbed his temples with his fingertips. He couldn't lose his temper with L. He couldn't face puppy-panda eyes.

'L. Remember I said the cake would be forty minutes?'

'Yes Light-kun.'

'How many minutes have passed?'

'Forty.'

'No L-we both know forty minutes haven't passed.'

L stared at him beseechingly.

'L I can't change time!'

Oh no. Panda-puppy eyes. Light gently pushed L's chair with his foot so that L was facing the other way. He kept the foot there while he spoke so that L couldn't spin around to manipulate him.

'If we don't cook the cake properly it won't taste nice.'

'Why?' said the chair.

'It won't be all-the texture will be wrong.'

'I have made it so it will have perfect mou-'

'L I swear down, if you say _mouth-feel_ one more time I will eat the entire cake myself, in front of you,_ relishing_ every bite.'

A disarray of black strands surfaced above the head of the chair. L twisted around so he was crouching the other way, gazing at Light from behind the chair back.

Light shut his eyes. L guilt trips were the worst. Light blamed the fact that L naturally looked like a lost waif child.

'Light-kun is angry?'

Dangerous ground. L hadn't had sugar. He couldn't deal with an infamous L meltdown.

'No, I'm not angry.'

'Light-kun is...'

L peered imploringly at Light, as though trying to get Light to give up his thoughts to him.

'Light-kun is jealous?'

'No, I'm-why would I be jealous?'

L sank back down behind the back of the chair without answering.

Approximately three minutes later Light heard L mumble something.

'Right. I'm eating the whole cake in front of you now.'

L popped up again from behind the chair as though he were a bizarre gothic meerkat.

'I did not say it!'

'What did you say then?'

'South...meal.'

Thirty two minutes left. Light wondered if he had it in him.


	12. Chapter 12

A/N Thank you for the reviews guys, they really are appreciated so much 3 (by the way that three is meant to be a little heart)

Silence.

It had been what Light had wanted.

What he hadn't wanted was for his fuzzy fiend to be staring at him-without blinking. Light knew that if he said anything, L would feign innocence. He could imagine it now.

'Light-kun feels uneasy when I stare at him. Might this be because he is Kira...'

No. Light stayed quiet.

On the other hand, this was an amazing opportunity for Light to once again document each and every detail of his shoe. His shoes had been scrutinised many times in his spell with L. It was the left shoe's turn this time. As Light was counting the stitches around the heel of his shoe (always a fun activity), he heard a low moaning noise.

He looked up. The moaning noise stopped.

Light's thoughts raced.

'I'm going mad. This is the first step. It's all downhill from here.'

He glared at L. 'It's all his fault.'

He had lost count. Back to the stitches.

Wait...there it was again. He raised his head slowly.

It was L. L was making a moaning noise deep in his throat. Just not in the way Light would like.

'L, what are you doing?'

L increased the volume.

'L!'

L increased the pitch.

'What is it?!'

Light wasn't sure he could be in the same room for much longer with the human whistle without completely snapping. L looked at the oven. He looked back at Light.

'No. It's been twenty minutes.'

L stopped moaning, seeming to realise his manipulations were not having the desired effect. Light wondered what on earth Watari had had to put up with when L was younger. Interpretive dance from L? How could you mime you wanted cheesecake in dance form? Watari must have cried with relief when L mastered speech.

L was crouched down even lower in his spinny chair, his skinny arms forming a prop for his head. His hair fell forward in a black cascade, adorning that pale, pale skin perfectly. Light forgot he was mad for a second and decided to just stare right back at L. L didn't have to know he was admiring him...

Light forgot he was mad for a _second_.

L began making shifting movements in the chair so that it was rolling forward. All the while fixating upon Light the black holes of his pupils. Light was curious as to just exactly what was happening here. When L had reached Lights chair, he promptly stood up.

'I shall do the washing up Light-kun.'

'No, really it's ok.'

'I shall do the washing up Light-kun.'

'L it's fine.'

'Light-kun should go and rest. In the living room.'

Light held up the handcuffs. To his amazement, L produced the key.

'Light-kun may unlock the handcuffs.'

Light's eyes narrowed.

'Maybe Light-kun doesn't want to.'

L cocked his head to one side.

'Light-kun's moods are fickle and changeable. He wants the handcuffs off, then he wants the handcuffs on. I can hardly keep up.'

Light decided to be economical with his words. Partially because he didn't know what on earth was going on. Partially because he didn't want to interrupt L when he was being sardonic. Some fantastic sentences had issued from L when he was in disagreeable mood. His favourite thus far was;

'Matsuda has eaten my doughnut. You are what you eat. Therefore Matsuda _is_ my doughnut.'

L had then bitten Matsuda.

It had been such a very long night.

'L get that tea-towel off my face!'

'Light-kun must sleep and for this state of being, I am assured that darkness is optimal.'

Damnit, he had tied it tight around his head. Light fumbled at the complicated knot L had tied and couldn't help but be impressed. At least he could now legitimately say he had been tied up by L.

He realised with horror, as he heard the oven door open, that he could also legitimately say it had been him minding L when the police headquarters burned down in a rain of fiery cake.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N So I wanted a little more-well I would say romance, but it's not that highbrow, let's see it for what it is-marshmallowy softness in this chapter in terms of L and Light. I hope you guys like it, and as always, your reviews are appreciated and treasured in a completely non-creepy way.

Light frantically scrabbled at the knot even as he heard L begin reaching into the oven. He managed to whip it off just as L was reaching out for the confection.

'L! You're not wearing gloves!'

Too late. The human whistle was performing with impunity the song of his people.

'L! Are you ok?!'

L was still holding onto the tin. It seemed that sheer stubbornness had overrode his body's natural reflexes to let go of the object that was currently burning his skin.

'Drop it L! Now!'

L looked up, his dark eyes wide and scared. It seemed as though the sleuth had been shocked into inaction. Light knew he had to act quickly before L cremated his hands. He grabbed a pair of kitchen gloves (why were they pink? Why?) and wrested the tray from L's slender hands. He dumped the cake back in the oven, slamming the door. He was going to have to tell L off for this.

'L-'

No, wait. Gloves off first. Couldn't be intimidating wearing pink gloves.

'L, that was very-'

Light stopped speaking as he realised that L's bottom lip was trembling. A tremulous voice hesitantly uttered 'Light-kun...'

L was holding his hands out in front of him as though he was unsure what they were. His eyes were glistening a little. Light immediately felt his stomach drop. L was hurt.

'L, come here. We need to run cold water over your hands.'

For once L didn't argue back. He just shuffled over and let Light place his hands under the cool, crystalline flow of the water. Light noted that L's hands were shaking under the stream.

'Come on L, let's sit down.'

Light gently pushed L down into the spinny chair and then bought his own over to face L. He cradled L's hands in his own.

'That was very silly L.'

'I know.'

'You hurt yourself then.'

'I know.'

Light gave up admonishing L for the moment. He just looked too pitiful. He decided instead to comfort him. Feeling awkward, Light walked over to the spinny chair and motioned for L to budge up so that he might sit with him. L silently aquiesced. An arm was hooked around L's skinny shoulders as Light drew the frangible eccentric towards him. Normally Light would be far too scared of rejection to do this, but the impulse to try and make L feel better was too strong to simply ignore. L stiffened against Light and for excruciating moments Light was sure that L was going to push him away.

Then something happened which Light had not been expecting.

L nestled in closer to Light, tufts of black hair tickling Lights chin as L tucked himself under the younger man's arm. Light didn't want to ruin the moment by uttering careless words which might make L self-conscious, so he kept schtum. He wanted to savour every last drop of this. Just feeling L being close to him was bliss. Light's nerves twanged with anticipation. He wasn't sure what this meant to L. How much would L permit?

Light falteringly began to trace L's rib cage with his other hand. This was different to the other time. L was fully lucid.

'Light-kun?'

Light stopped immediately, aghast at the possibility that this might be where he was found out. L's voice, though smooth as velvet, had cut through Light's dangerous daydreams like a knife.

'What is it L?'

'Thank you for...hands...'

Light breathed a sigh of relief. He decided to draw this out a little.

'What was that?'

'...hands...'

'Yes-what about hands?'

'...'

He had been lucky to get that much. Light decided to quit while he was ahead.

'That's ok L.'

Light realised that he had not been exercising restraint when he spoke those words, and that they had sounded exactly how he felt-in fond admiration of their recipient, the listener that gave them meaning. A few more moments passed, moments which Light would replay in his mind for days and weeks afterwards. L was cool against him, his breathing silent. It was as though he were carved of marble.

The next words out of L's mouth stunned Light out of his love struck stupor.

'Do you think it's ready then?'


	14. Chapter 14

A/N Slowly but surely my friends. My search for a real-life L continues. Thank you for reading up to this point, next chapter will probably be the last. Your reviews are massively appreciated delectable readers ;)

Light checked his watch. Maybe it was ready.

He was so comfortable here though...being close to L was such a rush. The more he watched the detective the more unreal and beautiful he seemed to become. Light got a certain voyeuristic thrill just from watching the small, tiny events in L's life that were just background happenings to the man in question. The way he breathed as though the air might hurt him. The way his hands were so elegant and thin. The way his pupils dilated and constricted as different intensities of light danced around face during its rotation from the oven to Light.

Wait-L was looking at him?

L didn't often make eye contact with Light apart from their stare-downs. Light was trying to reduce the number of those that happened. Light was only human and being gazed at intensely by your crush was bound to have some ah...physiological effects.

Being well-endowed was a curse sometimes.

Light was sitting so close to L as to make such physiological responses noticeable. Diversionary tactics were what were called for right now.

'Perhaps...'

L's eyes widened to comical proportions. Hope was truly mans greatest curse. And L's greatest curse. Light found it hard to think of L as a man when he was currently looking at Light like an infant in a toy shop.

'Perhaps it is ready.'

'How wide can his eyes go?' was all Light could think as L seemed to be attempting to create black holes with his pupils. It was as though he wanted to suck the cake in with his eyes and crush it beyond all cognizance of matter. Actually, thought Light, that's exactly what he does want to do. Just...with his mouth.

L's mouth...

Light decided his ponderings were reaching dangerous territory.

'Can we get it?! Can we?! Can we get it?!'

Good lord, L's voice had surpassed even his human whistle standard of excellence. Light wouldn't have been surprised if bats flew in.

'_I_ can get it.'

'But!'

Wow. L had really put up a stellar argument.

Light pointedly glanced down at L's still red hands.

L gave Light puppy-panda eyes.

Light knitted his brows together so hard he could have been a mass producer of woolly cashmere jumpers and stared harder at L's hands.

L bit his bottom lip with his top two teeth.

Light died a little inside and gave L's hands a look that would surely earn him crows feet ten years earlier than he was meant to receive them.

L made a little whining noise in the back of his throat.

God damnit.

'Ok, L, you can get the cake-but I'm going to be supervising the handling of the cake intensely, and should the cake not appear ready, it shall go back in the oven. Should you attempt to get the cake without gloves' (here L cringed a little) 'then I shall immediately take over the task. Understood?'

L nodded gravely. Light hadn't seen him look this serious since he was ordering cakes at the bakery.

'Ok then. Go on.'

L extricated himself from the chair and Light could not help but feel a pang as L's skeletal form became absent from under his arm. L padded over to the oven gloves, carefully putting them on whilst staring at Light. They had come full circle, L's eyes boring into Light's once more as if to say '_see_-I'm being good'.

L knelt down slowly to open the oven door. Light saw an animalistic gleam in L's eyes as he spied the cake hiding at the back of the oven. L was hunting. Hunting for cake. Cake...carnivore.

Light flinched as L reached into the oven. He felt like a mother watching a toddler completing a previously withheld honour. L was removing the cake now, taking as much care as a surgeon might. Light watched half amused, half scared, as L performed the cake caesarean.

Cake was out. Light saw it's surface. Golden-brown. L was transfixed by the cake so Light got up and shut the oven door himself. He then got out a silver skewer. He may as well have retrieved a bazooka by the way L reacted.

'What is Light-kun doing with the sharp silver implement?!'

'We need to check the cake is cooked all the way through.'

'It is!'

'How do you know?'

'...it is!'

L had flung himself between Light and the cake.

'L it won't affect the cake either way. I'm just going to stick this in the middle' (L blanched) 'and see if it comes out dry.'

'Light-kun is planning to violate the cake.'

'I'll violate you in a minute!'

'Light-kun may violate me, but he will never violate the cake!'

Light wondered if that was a battle cry or an invitation. Hopefully the latter.

Light was a hairs breadth away from L now, the skewer pointing away from L in his hand. L was posed like a heavyweight boxer in front of the cake, which would of been more threatening if it weren't for the fact that L was about half the weight of a lightweight boxer. Light stared at L for long moments. He could swear he saw that animalistic gleam in L's eyes once more...along with something else...


	15. Chapter 15

A/N Ok guys, this is the last chapter. You have been saints and martyrs to read up to here. I know that I didn't go into all the gory detail but this is rated K so y'know...much as I would like to traumatise a generation, I can only try within the realms of internet law. Thank you for reading and thank you for reviewing gorgeous people.

'L...'

Light wasn't sure what was going on anymore. His heart was hammering against his chest wall as though it were trying to escape. He wondered if L was as confused as he. The silver skewer lay slack in Lights hands, forgotten as Light continued staring at L, who seemed to have become so confused by the turn of events that he had been frozen into a strange mannequin of himself.

Stranger, at least.

Light moved forward slowly, closing the distance between them. L had lowered his hands, it seemed that the impossible had taken place and L was no longer protecting the cake. Light never once looked away from L as he placed the skewer onto the table. He was preparing, he realised, to reach out to L. His damn brain had formed this plan without Light being conscious of it. Now that the plan was in motion he seemed oddly powerless to stop it.

Or maybe he just didn't want to.

L was backed against the wall now, the cake unprotected. His pupils were dilated and his breathing appeared shallow to Light. Arousal was contagious it seemed.

Light knew he had to act fast. L might at the last moment bolt, and Light wasn't sure he'd live through the humiliation and awkwardness were he rejected. Light watched his hand span the distance between him and L. He took a hold of one ethereal wrist, cradling it as gently as if he were holding glass. L looked scared and Light wondered if the man had ever been touched with affection. Touched at all.

Another wrist found itself in Light's protective hold as Light drew himself in closer to L. Although they were both the same height, L's hunched posture meant that Light was looking down on him. L was watching him with a mixture of terror and curiosity. Light decided to take advantage of that curiosity lest L give way to complete terror. Slowly, he transferred his hand from L's wrist to run it up underneath his white cotton shirt. His skin was taut and smooth, stretched over sharp bones. Light ran his hands up to L's ribcage, marvelling once more at how thin the man was. Then he decided his hands were to make a trip downtown.

Light and L were locked into each other's gaze, Light seeming to be daring L to tell him to stop, to tell him he didn't want it.

L's slender waist ran down to narrow hips, the space between them hollowing out and giving way to apparatus that convinced Light that L indeed was a man, and not a strange hybrid of panda and child as he so often seemed. Light explored L's geography with care, noting when L's expression changed as he carried out his cartographic caresses. Finally it seemed he had found a place where L could be satisfied. He pressed his legs against L's, and both of them were silent apart from gentle pants issuing from L. Light felt exhilarated, in control.

When it was over, L went limp in Light's arms. Light made the most of L's state to draw the detective into a hug. He crushed L against him, hoping that L would be able to read his feelings, to extract them from him, just through sheer contact. He needed L to know how he felt, that what had happened wasn't just a random occurrence. L was quiet in Light's arms. It was a perfect little package of time for Light. He tried to decipher every nuance so that he could enjoy it later. He knew that all he would remember would be vague colours of emotion, but it never hurt to try.

'Light?'

L's voice issued from where his face buried in Light's chest. Light supposed he would have to respond. All good things come to an end.

'Yes L?'

There was silence.

'L-yes. Ok.'

Light felt L exhale in relief and couldn't help but feel an amalgamation of amusement and exasperation at L's motives right now.

'Really?'

'Yes.'

With that, L was out of Lights grip, and reaching for a knife to cut the cake with. Light felt his heart sink as L shambled about the kitchen, getting plates. L would never feel for him as he did for cake. He was jealous of a cake. Light glared at the cake when L wasn't looking.

'Man stealer' he mumbled under his breath.

Light sat down dejectedly in a kitchen chair, waiting for L to serve himself cake.

'Light...'

Light looked up. L was holding out a plate to him. In the centre of which was a perfectly cut piece of cake, quite unlike the rough chunks that L usually ripped out of cake. L had even washed a strawberry and put it on top of the cake.

Wait a minute...

Light turned the plate on it's side, noticing a red splodge the other side of the cake. L had created a little smiley face out of strawberry syrup.

Light realised that he had gotten the first slice of cake.

L turned back around to serve himself, and Light could swear he saw a light pink flush to his cheeks. Light stuck his little finger into the viscous syrup and grinned to himself. Maybe cooking with L wasn't so bad.


End file.
